Sunday, August 2, 2009

Because watching tons of sci-fi flicks gets you laid

Fridays Drunken Argument - 27 (NOLA)
Date: 2009-07-31, 9:56PM CDT

If there's one thing we like to do more than drink, it's argue about really important stuff, like if an army of Gremlins could defeat an army of Ewoks. Here's what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:Drunken Argument for Gremlins:We all know that Gremlins plus water equals more Gremlins. In this respect, Gremlins are basically the opposite of the aliens from Signs, and those aliens sucked, so Gremlins are logically awesome. They're extremely agile, so they're easily going to be able to out-manuever a frumpy little Ewok without even breaking a sweat. Gremlins are also quite mischievous. Doing battle against a species like the Ewoks, that relies on booby traps and primitive mechanical trickery, is a walk in the park for a Gremlin, because they can easily sabotage every trap the Ewoks set. Of course, the Gremlins biggest strength lies in its reproductive techniques. Just like the Gremlin's adorably loveable Mogwai counterpart, he also spawns offspring when he comes into contact with water. This means that it's very difficult to eliminate an entire army of Gremlins, because all they have to do to increase their ranks is fall into a fuckin puddle, and those things are everywhere. Judging by the few shots from Return of the Jedi, where there's an Ewok mom holding a baby, we can assume that Ewoks don't rocket babies out of their backs by the dozen like Gremlins do, so the Gremlins are always going to out-number the Ewoks, no matter what. We've seen Gremlins obliterate a suburban neighborhood and a modern office building, so they would have a heyday with with a shitty little makeshift Ewok village. This fight goes to the Gremlins.Drunken Argument for Ewoks:Ewoks don't reproduce like Gremlins do, but they're ten times smarter. They'd figure something out to stop that Gremlin mass production mess. They'd out-smart those evil, mischievous bastards at every turn. Plus, they're way more ingenuitive. The Ewoks make badass tools and weapons out of bones from the people that they've killed for being in their forest, and let's not forget that in Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks captured Luke, Han Solo, and Chewbacca with a sweet net trap. Yeah, that's right: They captured Chewbacca! You're telling me that Gremlins are more badass than Chewbacca?! You're fuckin crazy brah. Aside from their superior intellect, Ewoks have what I like to call "retard strength". Sure, they don't look like much, but I've personally seen them over-power Storm Troopers. Plus, just to drive my point home: remember the end of Gremlins 2? Y'know, where Gizmo (who is basically just a less badass, smaller, pussier version of an Ewok) puts on the Rambo headband and totally destroys the Gremlins? He doesn't do anything an Ewok wouldn't do. In fact, he does way less. He's armed only with a bow and some flaming arrows, and he totally wrecks a complete toy store full of Gremlins. Ewoks destroy Gremlins. I rest my case.

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