Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wanted: the Ultimate Stalker

Probably written as a joke - but still hilarious!

Craig's List - Dallas - m4w

Stalker Needed for a 2 (or more) month project.
I am in desperate need of a stalker, for at least the next 2 months...(possibly longer if everything goes well). I am a 33 year old white male, who is fluent in English.

Said stalker will NEED to do things such as:

• Random voicemails accusing me of cheating.
• Love notes written in creepy handwriting with a crayon, professing your undying love for me, left on the windshield of my car or apartment door.
• Driving down my street and later deny it violently even though I was standing by the road looking right at you. Just because you don't make eye contact when I catch you doesn't mean it didn't happen
• Call my mother and tell her you're pregnant. When she asks who it is, giggle and hang up.
• Wear a hat and glasses while you follow me as I shop at my local Kroger for groceries.

Most importantly....improvise...there's nothing like someone banging on your bedroom window in the middle of the night.

I will need these services performed at least twice a week. One of those days must be a Tuesday. If you can't do a Tuesday, skip that week altogether. In lieu of the Tuesday night rule, you may send mail postmarked on a Monday that arrives no later than Wednesday, and leave a "trinket" in my freezer while I'm not at home - no exceptions. All rules may be ignored if stationary with tears and perfume are involved.

I will provide you with my address, access to my apartment, my phone number, name, and work address. (But let's face it, if you're a really good stalker, you'll already have this, as well as my license plate number and the last four of my social security number.)

Stalking is over only if I actually decide to take you back. For your services, you will receive:

• 1 autographed picture of Dave Coulier
• 1 Judge Judy DVD ( I will be in the video. That way you can 'watch me' even when you aren't 'watching me'. )
• 7 cups of Ramen Noodles (your choice of flavor)
• 1 King sized Snickers bar.
• The opportunity for me to take you back.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would like the stalking to begin as soon as possible. Rewards are negotiable.

If you respond to the ad try to negotiate for 8 cups of Ramen Noodles. Make it worth your while.

1 comment:

  1. He had me at "autographed picture of Dave Coulier". Swoon!